2021 was the most transformative year of my life.
I started off the year broken and lost. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked or what I wanted. I was distant from myself, my friends, my family, and God. I was absent in the life of my son, and I was spiraling with lust. I was unsure about my career trajectory and struggling with people pleasing. 2021 started off with an acknowledgement of where I was and a commitment to keep growing. It wasn’t always easy; I can tell you that upfront.
I probably cried the most in my entire life. I wept through the acknowledgement and feeling of childhood wounds, relationship trauma and growing pains.
I spent more time with myself and had to fight my demons and insecurities. I learned that I loved to sit in the park during bright sunny days, but that stress was a trigger for me and often lead to horrible decisions.
I had to make hard decisions that didn’t always feel good. I had to choose my principles and standards over my comfort and preferences. I had to make choices that helped me to grow rather than those that protected my current self.
I had to have conversations that were often confrontational and make decisions that consistently affirmed my individuality and wellbeing. I had to learn how to trust me to take care of me and how to show up as my authentic self. I had to learn how to love and trust me.
After my last post in June, I realized that I was not able to keep posting on here because it wasn’t genuine. I have always prided myself on keeping it real on this blog and that wouldn’t have been the case if I tried to be consistent instead of honest. I was still locating and working on myself so anything that I would have posted during the last six months would have been as confusing and untested like I was at that time.
I needed to do the hard work before I could come on here to talk about it. I wanted my stories and testimonies to be tested and tried before they became lessons and stories for the consumption of others. I won’t post just to post but I will never keep something in my heart that could be helpful to others.
My biggest lesson in 2021 was that healing is hard and it will take everything out of you, but it is so worth it. Not only is it worth it but it is necessary for us to live an optimal life. You can’t see clearly when your vision is blurry and unaddressed trauma blurs our vision.
When I look back at who I was a year ago, I am so proud of how far I have grown. I learned not only have to love myself, but I started to address childhood wounds that still affect me to this day.
I’ve developed a secondary mantra to ‘Choose Love, Move with Purpose and Stay Consistent’.
I started to address my fear of not being good enough and how that fear manifested in my daily activities and beliefs. From a time when I was corrected at my job to a time when I believed that a toxic relationship was the best that I can do because no one else would want me or when I refused to pick what was best for myself because I was scared to be alone, I was operating from a place of lack instead of abundance. A place that was empty and sought to be filled by any means necessary even if the object of my desire was killing me on the inside.
I realized and acknowledged how limiting that belief was and how it impacted the relationships that I choose and how I treated myself. The oldest guiding mantra in my life is ‘to consistently become a better version of myself’. What I didn’t know at the time when I started to hold that mantra close to my heart was that it was born from the same feeling of inadequacy that plagued the other areas of my life.
While that mantra has gotten me far in life, there comes a point when even your seemingly ‘good’ vices will need to be addressed. Consistently becoming a better person allowed me to be a better athlete, student, and worker but it didn’t heal me emotionally and mentally since I was ignorant of the skeletons in the closet.
We all have childhood wounds that may or may not be addressed in our lives. If you are someone who has started to address the wounds of the pasts, please drop some of the gems that have helped you push through over the years.
If you haven’t started your journey yet, then here are two practices to help you get started
- Journaling – I don’t try to journal every day because I don’t think that is best for me, but I do journal whenever I need to unload heavy emotions or just to vent. Journaling has helped me to develop greater self-awareness overtime and keeps me from talking to people that I should be emotionally intimate with
- Emotional Check Ins – I asked myself the following four questions to check in: What are you mad about? What are you sad about? What are you anxious about? What are you glad about?
2022 will be a great year, I look forward to growing and healing with you all. Thanks for reading!