2020 was a rough year for me. I can readily admit that it’s only by God’s grace that I am able to be writing this blog post right now. I never thought I would write again. I thought I lost my voice. I didn’t think I would be able to write again without feeling like my hands were not in alignment with my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to face myself again after the year that I had.
I lost myself in a romantic relationship that was built on a shaky foundation. I never took the time that I needed to heal my college relationship and was caught in a delusive dream to ended in pain, trauma and drama.
I drifted away from God. I stopped going to church. I felt like God stopped talking to me but it was me who wasn’t listening. I became obsessed with the illusion of control. I went through a season of personal loathing, sadness, anxiety and sporadic depressive episodes.
I lost my passion. I stopped writing and reading. I wasn’t doing my professional jobs effectively. I didn’t want to follow up on policy or politics anymore. I didn’t watch my favorite shows or listen to my favorite pastors. I stopped feeding my soul.
My workout regimen was spotty and I started to get fat. I didn’t see my son for months and I was having relational problems everywhere that I turned. I was having problems with my dad, cousin and siblings plus being in a toxic relationship.
I stopped writing blogs because I couldn’t face the music. I couldn’t face my truth and I have never been able to write from a dishonest place. I guess that should have been the first red light that I stopped at but I didn’t. There must have been ten other red lights along the path that I was taking but my delusive eyes saw yellow lights instead of red. I kept going and going until the engine broke down and I had to go to the shop to take a look under the hood.
When I finally burned out and was forced to stop, I realized how far I had drifted but I still wasn’t ready to truly embark on my personal journey yet. I still had some months of disobedience and stubbornness to go. God would give me a revelation or answer a prayer but I didn’t follow through. And the more that I lacked the follow through was the more I lost hope in myself.
Things didn’t change for until I made the drastic decision to just go to Georgia to get clear my mind and get away from my current environment.
In Georgia, I realized that I was operating from a place of fear. I was a slave to fear and my master was making my decisions for me. I was constantly paranoid and on edge. I was scared of what would have if I gave up the semblance of control that I thought I had. I was scared of what people would think of me or what they would say behind my back. I was scared that I wouldn’t be accepted for who I was because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be.
Since Georgia, I’ve been on a journey to truly love myself, draw closer to God and continuously to my best to walk in God’s preferred plan for my life. I’m back and I’m getting better because I’m not where I was but I’m not where I used to be there either.
I’ve wanted to write again publicly for a while but I wanted to wait until I was ready to share my journey and I feel like I’m finally ready to take that step.
So here’s to new beginnings y’all and I’m excited to continue this journey with y’all. I’ve always believed that there is strength in community and I pray that my blogs create a community amongst us all.
Yaad Views 